Cheapest Gas in the Country !

Everybody knows how cheap the gas is in Georgia. I fill up as I enter the state and again before I leave it.

I went through the hills of Tennessee and most of Kentucky when I needed to fill up again. Saw a sign that said "Gas - 39 cents per gallon"! I was amazed. Pulled in to fill up.

The attendant apologized when he told me that they were out of gas. I went down I-75 to the next station.

Sign there said "Gas - $1.149 per gallon".

When I complained to that attendant he asked why I thought his price was so high. I explained that the station down the road was only charging 39 cents per gallon.

He asked why I didn't buy it there so I told him that the other station was out of the 39 cent gas.

He exclaimed "OH! Well, when we are out of gas we only charge 29 cents per gallon."

Go figure... Dan

You Can’t Win!

When  my grandson Andy and I entered our RV, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.

Still, fireflies followed us in.

Noticing them before I did, Andy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa.
The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

---

 

You Can’t Fool Kids

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the  fire truck was a Dalmatian  dog.

The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

They use him to keep crowds back,” said one  youngster.

“No, said another, “he’s just for good  luck.”

A third child brought the argument to close.
“They use the dogs”, she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

 

DON’T TALK TO MY PARROT

My neighbor’s washer in their RV quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to town the next day, she told the repairman, ‘I’ll leave the key under the steps. Fix the washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check .’

‘Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, never, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!’ ‘I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT !!!’

When the repairman arrived at their RV the next day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled,

‘Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!’

To which the parrot replied, ‘Get him, Spike!’

Top 10 Reasons To Smile

Smiling is a great way to make yourself stand out while helping your body to function better. Smile to improve your health, your stress level, and your attractiveness.

1. Smiling Makes Us Attractive. We are drawn to people who smile. There is an attraction factor. We want to know a smiling person and figure out what is so good. Frowns, scowls and grimaces all push people away -- but a smile draws them in.

2. Smiling Changes Our Mood. Next time you are feeling down, try putting on a smile. There’s a good chance you mood will change for the better. Smiling can trick the body into helping you change your mood.

3. Smiling is Contagious. When someone is smiling they lighten up the room, change the moods of others, and make things happier. A smiling person brings happiness with them. Smile lots and you will draw people to you.

4. Smiling Relieves Stress. Stress can really show up in our faces. Smiling helps to prevent us from looking tired, worn down, and overwhelmed. When you are stressed, take time to put on a smile. The stress should be reduced and you’ll be better able to take action.

5. Smiling Boosts Your Immune System. Smiling helps the immune system to work better. When you smile, immune function improves possibly because you are more relaxed. Prevent the flu and colds by smiling.

6. Smiling Lowers Your Blood Pressure. When you smile, there is a measurable reduction in your blood pressure. Give it a try if you have a blood pressure monitor at home. Sit for a few minutes, take a reading. Then smile for a minute and take another reading while still smiling. Do you notice a difference?

7. Smiling Releases Endorphins, Natural Pain Killers and Serotonin. Studies have shown that smiling releases endorphins, natural pain killers, and serotonin. Together these three make us feel good. Smiling is a natural drug.

8. Smiling Lifts the Face and Makes You Look Younger. The muscles we use to smile lift the face, making a person appear younger. Don’t go for a face lift, just try smiling your way through the day -- you’ll look younger and feel better.

9. Smiling Makes You Seem Successful. Smiling people appear more confident, are more likely to be promoted, and more likely to be approached. Put on a smile at meetings and appointments and people will react to you differently.

10. Smiling Helps You Stay Positive. Try this test: Smile. Now try to think of something negative without losing the smile. It’s hard. When we smile our body is sending the rest of us a message that “Life is Good!” Stay away from depression, stress and worry by smiling.

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Great Truths
THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1.         No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.
2.         When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3.         If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4.         Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5.         You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6.         Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7.         Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8.         You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9.         Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10.         The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1.         Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2.         Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3.         Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4.         Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5.         Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6.         Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4. You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

   ---

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

   ---

God's Problem Now

When the grave side service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The nearby little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there.”

Queen Elizabeth and George Bush...

Air Force One arrived at Heathrow Airport and President Bush was warmly welcomed by Queen Elizabeth.

They were driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continued on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all was going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering stinker ever heard.

The smell was atrocious and both passengers of the carriage used handkerchiefs over their noses. The flatulence shook the coach, but the two dignitaries of State did their utmost to ignore the incident.

The Queen turned to President Bush, “Mr. President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.”

George Bush, always trying to be “Presidential,” replied, “Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.”

Only in America do we boil tea hot,

put ice in it to make it cold,

then add sugar to make it sweet,

and finally add lemon to make it sour.

GOD bless America
— and Please GOD —
HURRY!

Sad News

It's always difficult to bring sad news, but I thought that you should know...

There has been a great loss today in the entertainment world.

The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey " has died.

What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in, they put ....

well, you know the rest.

My Thoughtful Wife

An RVingwoman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry.
Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way" she said.

The dentist was quite impressed.
"You're certainly a courageous woman. Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

What is a Cat?

• Cats are unpredictable.
• When you want to play, they want to be alone.
• When you want to be alone, they want to play.
• They expect you to cater to their whims.
• They're moody.
• They leave hair everywhere.
• They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: Cats are tiny little women in fur coats.

What is a Dog?

• Dogs can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
• They growl when they are not happy.
• When you want to play, they want to play.
• When you want to be alone, they want to play.
• They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
• They leave their toys everywhere.
• They do disgusting things with their mouths and then want to kiss you.

Conclusion: Dogs are tiny little men in fur coats.....

Women and Cats will do as they please
Men and Dogs need to relax and get used to the idea.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Happy

A man was walking home alone late one Halloween night when he heard a BUMP .. BUMP ...BUMP ... behind him.

Walking faster he looked back, and saw the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him

...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Terrified, the man began to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster...

BUMP... BUMP ...BUMP...

He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, slammed and locked the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashed through his door, and the lid of the coffin flew open.

... clappity-BUMP .. clappity-BUMP .. clappity-BUMP..
         on the heals of the terrified man.

He rushed upstairs to the bathroom, and locked himself in. His heart pounding; his head is reeling; his breath coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin broke down the door. bumping and clapping toward him.

He screamed and reached for something, anything ...but all he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he threw the cough drops at the coffin...

and then

......................................... The coffin stopped.

---

Insuring The RV

An RV was totaled in an accident, and, Norma, the wife, called the insurance company.

Wife: “Our RV was insured for forty thousand and I want my money.”

Agent: “Whoa there just a minute, Norma, it doesn’t work quite like that.
We will ascertain the value of the RV and provide you with one of comparable worth.”

Norma, after a pause: “I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

A Really Special Christmas...

I’ve been married to the same woman for 46 years. Not complaining, mind you. Just noting that after all these years - I still don’t know what to get her for Christmas. This year I’m going to get it right. I’m getting her things she asks for.

Just the other day she was complaining that the broom she uses to sweep the galley in our RV is worn out (Ah - hA). Later that same day she complained that soap and water just doesn’t get the bugs off the front of our RV. (Doesn’t that sound to you like a hint for a big jug of Protect-All?) Last month she complained that the skillet she uses to fix breakfast always sticks. (HMMmmmmm... a new skillet?)

No more “Wrong color jewelry”, “Too big blouse size”, or “Under britches that look like they’re made out of burlap”.

This year - I’m getting her what she wants!

Dan

(After Christmas Follow-up...)
WARNING!
Brooms and skillets can be used as weapons... !

Things My Mother Taught Me

• TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

• RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

• LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”

• MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

• FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

• IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

• about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

• about CONTORTIONISM . “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

• about PATIENCE. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

• about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

• about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

• about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . “Stop acting like your father!”

• about ANTICIPATION. “ Just wait until we get home.”

• about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”

• ESP . “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

• GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”

• about my ROOTS. “ Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

• JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

AND FROM MY FATHER: “Always get important promises in writing.”

Smart Cajun

Cajun with two chests of fish was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently as he was leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

“Naw, I ain’t got none of dem, no. Dese are pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!”

“ Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish to de bayou and let em swim ’round. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back into dere ice chests and I take dem home.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”

The Cajun said,”It’s de truth ma’ fren, I show you.

“Okay, I’ve GOT to see this!”

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” asked the Cajun.

“When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH.”

“What fish?”